Ryan Kelly and wife Emma” src=”https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/da3.PTpP4__4RmnXUSertA–/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTcwNTtoPTQ3MA–/https://media.zenfs.com/en/people_218/419fa706e1e9dba8d9313e49edee5061″ class=”caas-img”/>
Courtney Smith, Ninety Three Creative
Ryan Kelly and wife Emma
NFL player Ryan Kelly and wife Emma are expecting not one, but two rainbow babies.
The couple exclusively confirms to PEOPLE that they are expecting twins, following a nearly two-year journey that has included the death of daughter Mary Kate 19 weeks into Emma’s pregnancy, fertility struggles and in vitro fertilization.
“My gratitude, I can’t even tell you,” Emma, 33, tells PEOPLE. “There was a time when I really wasn’t sure if we were going to get here. I’m literally so grateful for every day.”
Emma admits it has been a “tough pregnancy” physically and calls their twins “miracles”.
“There’s a lot more risk involved this time around. I was on bed rest during my first trimester, which was very hard and took a lot out of me,” she explains. “But at the end of the day, every bit of it has been worth it — to feel them and watch us grow.”
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Ryan Kelly and wife Emma” src=”https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/fLWQZHEqFXh4NSor_D7n1w–/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTcwNTtoPTkyMA–/https://media.zenfs.com/en/people_218/f04205eaaffe7879194d1fe53f443ae6″ class=”caas-img”/>
Courtney Smith, Ninety Three Creative
Ryan Kelly and wife Emma
Related: Who’s Next? Celebrities who are expecting
Passing half of the pregnancy has been “pretty bittersweet” for the couple. Emma was 19 weeks pregnant with the couple’s first baby when she learned that her daughter’s “heart just stopped for unknown reasons” and that she would have to deliver the baby.
“There’s a lot of emotion involved in just surpassing that bittersweet milestone right now. And now further than ever before,” says Emma.
The Indianapolis Colts center, 30, says he knew there would be some attention for sharing their daughter’s death. What he never imagined, however, was the outpouring of support that came after he revealed that a big game he missed was due to Mary Kate’s death.
“At the time we just shared it because we got a lot of questions. We were playing a big game and people wanted to know why I wasn’t there. So we initially shared it so people would stop asking,” says Ryan. “The unforeseen side effect was that all of these people reached out to us to share their loss story — whether it was five months ago, five days ago, or 50 years ago.”
“It didn’t bring our daughter back, but what happened at that point, people reaching out who had been through a similar situation, was unbelievable,” he adds.
“We asked ourselves, ‘How could this happen to us?’ We felt like the only ones out there, but then you hear people’s stories and it helped us tell ours and keep our daughter’s name alive, to honor her in a way. It certainly helped with our healing.”
Finding a community of hope helped the couple as they tried to navigate how they would continue to grow their family after Mary Kate’s death.
“Ryan and I have always wanted to be parents. It was a fairy tale, and it was too good to be true, with our big beautiful wedding and surprise pregnancy with our daughter,” says Emma.
Ryan Kelly and wife Emma” src=”https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/sp2hB3xo_xJwONUXy2lJdA–/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTcwNTtoPTkyMA–/https://media.zenfs.com/en/people_218/a374beac6ce33a80d1d435b00b34c022″ class=”caas-img”/>
Courtney Smith, Ninety Three Creative
Ryan Kelly and wife Emma
“I remember after I delivered her, I was sitting in the hospital bed and they took her away from me, and I was like, ‘I can’t live like this.’ The emptiness of it, I remember feeling so broken.”
“I knew in that moment that nothing could ever replace our daughter, but I knew we wanted our family to grow. There was such an emptiness in taking her and knowing we would never have her again, that I decided because of that conversation in the hospital,” she recalls. “I remember looking at him and saying, ‘We’ll keep trying, won’t we?’ ”
“And that’s what we did. I had to wait three or four months to heal from giving birth to my daughter and the complications of losing her and a traumatic birth experience. Once we started trying again, we did that’s almost 11 months.”
She recalls the time as “heartbreaking”, adding: “Imagine all you want is a family, and we’re at the age where that’s all you see – everyone around you is pregnant, especially in the NFL -world.”
“Of course it’s very beautiful, but it’s really painful if you want it, and you try so hard and do everything right, and see so many doctors and professionals. Month after month it’s negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, after you’ve already had a lost the child you wanted so badly’, says Emma.
“We’re coming out of some of our darkest months, the darkest two years of our lives.”
After a devastating Thanksgiving that saw Emma get her period and collapse, the couple discussed seeing a fertility specialist.
“We just had to admit we needed help and I want to talk about that because at first I thought a lot about shame when I admitted I needed that help,” says Emma.
Ryan Kelly and wife Emma” src=”https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/oIhciz5BIyqG8n0gIUN6dw–/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTcwNTtoPTkyMA–/https://media.zenfs.com/en/people_218/9a7dc9a747464c913a2ac6cd9e30e33f” class=”caas-img”/>
Courtney Smith, Ninety Three Creative
Ryan Kelly and wife Emma
Citing pregnancy announcements and news updates on social media, the couple notes, “You see everyone get there and you don’t realize that one in six people are dealing with infertility.”
“It was hard for us to swallow because we had our daughter. We made her no problem. We weren’t even trying or tracking when we got pregnant, and we continued to exhaust ourselves for a year and a half with ovulation. Tracking , specialists, supplements, ‘doing everything right’, and it still didn’t work.”
Emma continues emotionally: “All you can feel is shame. And what you ask yourself, ‘What are we doing wrong?’ or “What’s wrong with me?” ‘What have I done to deserve this?'”
“It’s very beautiful and very brave to admit that you need help and to let people help you when you need it because we live in such a great time,” she notes, referring to all the various advances who have helped families grow.
The couple eventually turned to IVF to conceive, committing on Christmas Eve and discovering in mid-January that they were expecting twins.
During the nearly two weeks they waited between their embryo transfer and the pregnancy confirmation, Ryan recalls being “nervous after months of negative results. Those tests become what you fear the most.”
When it came to finding out the sex of their babies, the couple enjoyed a date night at one of their favorite local steakhouses, where the waitresses presented them with desserts that would deliver the results.
“They gave us these chocolate desserts with two little hammers, and of course everyone looked at us when they brought those out,” Ryan recalls. “We always thought we’d get one of each.”
Emma agrees: “We were so sure. We bet on it with our retirement that we had one of each.”
“Ryan cracked open the first one and it was a boy, which we were so excited about because we were hoping for at least one. And then I did the second one, and honestly I was stunned.”
“We had always imagined having a little girl, and we just lost a little girl, and Ryan always said he wanted to be a girl dad,” she explains. “I didn’t even know I hadn’t prepared for that. I didn’t expect it.”
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Courtney Smith, Ninety Three Creative
Ryan Kelly and wife Emma
The couple are looking forward to sharing this exciting time with their loved ones and admit they have kept the news “quite close”.
“There’s a PTSD to it. We were always going to share this journey no matter what, but we’re so lucky to be doing it here with these two guys growing inside my belly. When you get so much bad news for such a long , you almost expect it,” says Emma. “So this pregnancy I’m trying to allow myself to feel the joy and excitement despite the fear and pain.”
Admittedly, she still holds her breath “every time I go to the bathroom,” Emma admits, “there’s never a safe period.”
“My mantra is ‘This pregnancy is not my last pregnancy.’ I go to a therapist and make time for myself, for meditation and self-care,” she explains. “I do whatever it takes to stay in the right place mentally, compartmentalizing how much I miss my daughter every day with how this is now should be about our twins and grow them in the best way.”
Dealing with that fear means acknowledging their grief and how the spouses can “complicate each other’s grief.”
“I feel like I have to be there for the family, like I have to be the husband and protect her,” Ryan shares. “So we’re both struggling at the same time, and we grieve very differently. There can be difficult moments and difficult conversations. And we had to get through it to get to where we are today.”
The NFL star was also able to find support in the Sad Dads Club, a group that hosts virtual gatherings each month for men to talk about different experiences of loss and other difficult topics related to fatherhood.
“For me the hardest thing was thinking about how I will never be able to walk my daughter down the aisle. It was the first thing I thought about when we found out we had her and when we lost her I couldn’t stay just think about it, right up to the time we got to her grave when we buried her,” he shares.
“And just to see somebody else upset about the same thing and that’s okay. Finding community, and there’s a lot out there doing a great job, but it’s important because it doesn’t have to be super time consuming, but you can have a safe have room to share your emotion, because in reality we don’t do as much as men.”
Ryan Kelly and wife Emma” src=”https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/kZW3EcLNXhZyumKGplwYCA–/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTcwNTtoPTgxNw–/https://media.zenfs.com/en/people_218/ff91f72f15696a4f9b32c901500434d2″ class=”caas-img”/>
Courtney Smith, Ninety Three Creative
Ryan Kelly and wife Emma
“I’m so proud of us and our relationship,” says Emma. “I literally feel like we just survived the unsurvivable.”
As they prepare to welcome their boys, the couple look forward to hearing their little cries.
“During the last pregnancy we got caught up in the nursery and all the things that don’t matter. And this time we’re kind of giving ourselves that, but I just want our boys to get here alive.” ’ Emma tells PEOPLE.
“I could be stressed that we have to give birth at the end of August, which is exactly when the season starts, and Ryan’s schedule will be extremely limited. And yes, it will be chaos, but I can worry myself or focus on what matters. I’ve learned on this journey that as long as they live, everything else can be figured out.”
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